Tuesday, March 22, 2011

(Movie) Scenes from a Wedding

A couple of weeks ago, I had the honor of being the best man at my brother's wedding. My responsibilities stretched over three days and then the recovery time--which coincided with preparation for a new gig and myriad assignments--was lengthy. I didn't get a good night's sleep until Thursday night, nearly a week after the festivities began.

To start, I wanted to do a blog on the wedding. Someone said I should review the festivities, which seemed like a good way to become instantly ostracized. The good thing is that were plenty of moments that reminded me of movies.

Here they are in no discernible order.

1.) The best man toast--I kept thinking of what not to do, and Steve Buscemi's hilarious meltdown from "The Wedding Singer" kept popping into my head. ("Harold wouldn't punch his landlord!") I thought of the never-seen, curse-ridden wedding toast that George gave on "Seinfeld." Jerry's description: "It was like a Redd Fox album. There were old people there."

It turned out well probably because I channeled the nervous confidence of Woody Allen's old stand-up albums for inspiration. I probably said "um" about 15,000 times, just breaking Angelica's Huston's record on Barbara Walters' 1991 Oscar interview special.

2.) Before the ceremony--I was walking nervously in the hall, running last-minute errands and rounding up my parents, principals, etc. My friend Rich remarked that I looked like Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" obsessed about the flex capacitor.

3.) Before the ceremony, part II: My brother was eerily calm. I was afraid of losing the rings, not getting the rabbi his payment, sputtering sentence fragments during my speech. For a while, I was sweating, which conjured images of Albert Brooks' disastrous newscast in "Broadcast News."

Please note that my inclusion of "Broadcast News" does not mean that I endorse that movie. Far from it. James L. Brooks has never met a dramatic moment he couldn't turn into a three-ring circus.

And, yes, that diatribe was part of my toast. I also talked for five minutes about how much I hated "Up in the Air."

4.) At the reception: Talking to a friend of mine, who remarked that his wife's delivery date is scheduled for the day after the release of "The Green Lantern." This instantly made me jealous because my wedding date (Aug. 20) is a notoriously slow time for movies.

5.) At the reception, part II: Was talking to my sister-in-law's cousin. I know the cousin very well, but had never met his girlfriend. I said something to the effect of, "Oh, every time I see you, it's only for a quick sliver of time..."

As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I thought of Vince Vaughn sandbagging Patrick Van Horn in front of his dour girlfriend in Swingers: "No, we played football on Wednesday, and I didn't see you call anyone..."

That was not my intent--and everyone realized that--but it's further proof that I should probably let the fiancee handle all pleasantries. I should stick to nodding and cramming my gigantic head with lunch meats.

6.) At the reception, part III: The fiancee and I had not idea that we'd spend so much time talking and mingling. Astonishing: It probably took us about an hour to go from one end of the reception hall to the other. I'm a good conversationalist, but I'm not that good.

So, my apologies to anyone who thought I sounded like the mentally challenged groundskeeper in "Bad News in Breaking Training" who could only say "Hello. How are you?" I'll make it up to you in a few months.

On a serious note, I want to wish David and Darcy all the luck and love in the world. May this be the first of many Hollywood endings.

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