Hey, do you know the Academy Awards are airing in a couple of days? Isn't that awesome? Look at the glamour, the glitz, and all the stars! Don't you want to watch?
Um, not really.
The one thing I like about the Academy Awards is the nominations. It's fun to badger and bicker and play pundit. But I can't stand the ceremony itself. Too long, too predictable, too showbiz. I always feel like I'm being issued a glimpse into how celebs celebrate, like I'm being thrown a bone. "Oh, thank you Brad Pitt for letting us see you out and about. You're an inspiration to us all! I must get my eyebrows plucked post haste."
So, with that said, here are my own awards for the 2010 movie season, which I'm calling the Pizzas. It's an adorable mangling of my name, and it just may catch on, especially now that I've put up that awful image for eternity.
OK, now onto the awards.
Best cameo: Paul Krugman in Get Him to the Greek. Hilarious in its oddness and his stoic reaction to Jonah Hill's drunken compliment. "Paul Krugman, my dad loves your shit." That's the only reason to watch the movie. It's true.
Best comeback: Michael Keaton in The Other Guys. It's not a good sign if the two stars in your buddy-buddy comedy are blown away by a guy who has a quarter of the lines. Perhaps it's because Keaton was just plain funny, and wasn't governed by shtick (Will Ferrell) or a shocking lack of range (Mark Wahlberg, whose success is getting harder and harder to explain).
And a shout-out for Barry Pepper in Casino Jack and True Grit, where he held his own against Kevin Spacey (no easy task) and made viewers forget about a role created by Robert Duvall, respectively.
Best villain: Ned Beatty in Toy Story 3. As Lotso, Beatty's honey-voiced menace defined the film's dark side, which made the movie an emotional powerhouse. But everyone seemed to ignore Beatty.
Best performance in a dreadful movie: Anthony Hopkins in The Wolfman and The City of Your Final Destination. The old master breathed life--albeit briefly--into two movies that were comatose on arrival. He deserved better than this. So did we.
Best documentary no one saw: Cool It. An environmental awareness movie that truly raised awareness. Too bad it came out during a year that was flooded with critically acclaimed docs.
Best animated feature no one saw: My Dog Tulip. If you're a dog lover, it's a must-see. If you're not a dog lover, it's a must-see because you'll finally understand how a man could truly love an animal.
Best movie every young, clueless, and in-love couple should see: Blue Valentine. When I have kids and their hormones start a'swirling, I'm showing Derek Cianfrance's masterpiece in lieu of any mumbling, stumbling speech I can give.
Best new headliner: Emma Stone in Easy A. Like Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde or Morgan Freeman in Lean on Me, she strapped the movie on her back and made it better than it deserved. Note to filmmakers: This does not mean you should make a sequel.
Best proof for women to age naturally: Julianne Moore in The Kids Are All Right, Patricia Clarkson in Cairo Time, Marisa Tomei in Cyrus. At least one of them made a pact with the devil. My bet is Tomei. I think she's impervious to gravity.
Honorary Pizza: Gary Cole. Like Harry Dean Stanton and M. Emmett Walsh, every movie Gary Cole is in is a little better. He's cinematic avocado.
Best movies of 2010 (all get a slice): The Kids Are All Right, Blue Valentine, The Social Network, Delta, Heartbreaker, True Grit, Greenberg, Cool It, Rabbit Hole, Please Give.