As some of you may know, I was not a giant fan of "Black Swan." With that said, there is one aspect of the film that hit home.
In the movie, Natalie Portman (Mila Kunis is her id/rival) plays a perfection-obsessed ballerina, one who is so driven that she has no sense of perspective, no life. Her devotion to her craft drives her insane.
And here's where I can relate. I, too, get consumed by work, chase something that is not obtainable. Everytime I write something, I strive for perfection (or my version of it) and it drives me nuts to read through older articles and see my inexperience in neon lights. Even worse is seeing a typo or a mistake. To me, that reflects a lack of discipline, and is a sure sign that I'll be mopping the floors at an Applebee's if I don't straighten up and fly right.
Writing is not an occupation to me; it's a neverending, all-consuming passion. That passion cuts both ways: I love writing and stringing sentences together, but mistakes and missed opportunities kill me, humiliate me. I've tried to put those feelings in a separate box, dismiss them as an occupational hazard, but it never works. I remember everything.
I'm resigned to embracing all the ups and downs, and keep trying to reach a happy medium. But it's tough. Awareness is hell.