Review of "John Carter"

I'm done beating the horse. You can read the review, which appeared in The Weekender, right here. Instead, I'm going to focus on some vaguely related highlights.

1.) I snuck in a homemade chicken salad sandwich into the theater, and Hoovered that bad boy in like five minutes. Fresh wheat bread, thinly sliced tomatoes, a pinch of salt and pepper. And, yes, pecans were involved. Outstanding work.

2.) After the movie ended, I went to the multiplex bathroom. As I headed toward the sink to wash my hands, there were two men at the urinals. One was relieving himself normally. The other man stood with his pants around his ankle, his bare ass exposed to the restroom denizens.

Was that right?

It couldn't have been, so I did something I hate doing in public restrooms: I looked back, lingered from a safe distance, and beheld two wobbly cheeks of confirmation.

3.) Since I don't want to linger on this particular Carter, here's a picture of Gary Carter. R.I.P., Kid.